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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Christmas card 2011

This is the photo placed inside our my Christmas cards this year. Dave and I were in the Azores Islands, about one thousand miles off the coast of Portugal. When we traveled, I'd wear a red or other brightly colored scarf so Dave could find me out in a crowd easier; it was one of our safety measures.


Today, someone asked, "how are you doing?" Well, I have bad days and then I have worse days and that's the way it is right now. Those two "almost normal, almost ordinary days"...well, they didn't last. That's one thing about grief; it catches me one me so blasted unaware. Writing Christmas cards today, putting photos in for some family and friends was meant to be the remembering of good times. It worked too, for a while and then the reality of now set in; knowing Dave is gone and I'll never hear his voice again, seem him again, hear him ask, "How's everything down at the barn?" It's a gut punch, all over again. 


Earlier this evening, I went to a 4-H volunteer training meeting but that didn't last. I left about twenty minutes after I got there; it was just too much, too soon and a mistake on my part to think I'm up for any kind of volunteer work right now. In fifteen minutes, there's a community meeting and I'm not any more excited about going there than I was to find myself at the first meeting. Grief takes a lot of energy and emotional energy, especially, chews through the precious few reserves left to me. The next time I get the bright idea to do anything for anyone other than myself or my family, someone head slap me, 'k? 


By the way, visit Sunday's Sabbath Keeping post and say a prayer for all those mentioned, please and thanks. Especially, the Beckwith family who lost a 26 year old son and husband in a horrible farming accident; he left behind a wife, a four year old daughter and a three month old daughter. Life is bleak for them right now.


Blessings ~ I'm still breathing ~ the dogs love me ~ the horses have hay ~ beautiful weather today ~

35 comments:

Dawn @ Dawnings said...

Oh, Sandra. Your picture is beautiful. You look so happy. Look at it long and hard and see the real you. The writing-you right now is just as beautiful, if raw and exposed. I believe the energy you give to writing and posting is going to be part of the healing process for you. My heart is with you. Praying still. XO

LuLu Kellogg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LuLu Kellogg said...

My Sweet Friend~
This is such a wonderful picture of you and Dave. I also love the way you are writing from your heart and I know this is part of your healing process. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers each and every day.
Much Love,
LuLu~*xoxo

Loretta said...

What a nice picture...time heals and your posting everyday will also help you to say what you feel. Don't worry...we are tough...let us have it! Love you much! Big {{{{Hugs}}}}
Loretta xoxo

Sassafras and Winterberry said...

You're right. Grief takes work...hard work. And it never truly ends...but it does get more manageable. I admire your honesty in these posts. I'm keeping you in my prayers. Know that Dave is with you still. I believe that with all my heart. He's proud of you too. All my good thoughts and understanding,
Courtney

Marydon said...

So adore this picture of you both. Brings tears to me for you, sweet friend. Prayers continue for you & Dave's soul. Each step that you take tho, is actually healing ... it will come together in time. I wish I could just hug you, Sandra.

Love & prayers ~
Merry Christmas
TTFN ~
Hugs,
Marydon

Ellen said...

I have barely just "met" you and my heart is breaking for you. I can't imagine how rought this time is for you, but I do know that it is important for you to honor exactly where you are right now. You have learned that grief take work and tires you out. Honor that and just take you're time. I can see here that many people truly love you. That can be healing in and of itself. Blessings to you. Keep writing, we are all here.

M.K. said...

Beautiful photo of two people who love each other. My heart aches for you. And please, please forgive me, if what I'm about to say is one of those things that's well-intentioned, but doesn't help, or somehow hurts -- but when your grief tells you that you'll never hear Dave's voice again, or be with him again, or stand and look over beautiful fields hand-in-hand again, remember that after you both have passed through death, God has a beautiful new earth for you to live on together, and you have eternity to talk, and hug and hold hands and enjoy his company. Maybe that's no comfort; I don't know b/c I haven't lost my husband. I hope it's a bit of comfort to you when you remember this.

Becky said...

What a wonderful picture! Isn't the Beckwith tragedy just awful?! I remember his dad when he was young....we played out in the yard when Ralph and Glenda would stop by up at the farm.

I keep you in my thoughts and prayers daily......lots of hugs!!
Becky

LindaSueBuhl said...

terrific picture - hang in there - you are doing SO well - you breathe in and out, eat, stay clean and are being considerate of others - high praise from me at least. The dogs love you - and so do we - from afar but still - it is real.

LindaSueBuhl said...

and really - it has been hardly any time at all - not even a part of a season - and the bible says to every thing there is a SEASON - I am in a different season right now - but am grateful to read your honesty - and I really DO like the picture

Deanna said...

Thinking of you.

and saying a prayer,
d

Patrice said...

Sandra,
You stopped by my blog a few days ago and I didn't have a chance to say hello before this. As I read your post, I am so sad for you. That's a lovely picture full of good memories. By the way, the red scarf looks good on you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you God's peace and blessing this Christmas.
Patrice
Everyday Ruralty

Old Centennial Farmhouse said...

Keep sharing your feelings here, Sandra, and let me say what a beautiful honor I think it is to send out this beautiful photo of you and Dave for Christmas this year. It's absolutely gorgeous and will be treasured by all who receive it. You are a brave girl, and we all think the world of you. Thanks for letting us know how you are doing, I think of you so often and breathe your name in prayer.
xoxo
Joni

Kelli said...

Just stopped by to say hello, and will be keeping you in my prayers as you travel this grief journey. xo

Cloudia said...

sweet pic.



Aloha from Waikiki

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Jane and Lance Hattatt said...

Hello Dearest Sandra:
Such a very, very happy picture of the two of you with yourself looking exactly as we think of you from our meeting last summer, and Dave with his arm in protection. Now this, and the memory of that very joyous time, is something to remember and hold on to during what are for you such dark days.

We offer no advice, beyond saying for the time being try not to think beyond today. It is today, and only today, which you have to get through and which, we firmly believe, with your spirit, your love for Dave, your faith, the help of family and friends, the prayers of so many, you will.

Star said...

What a lovely photo of the both of you. One to treasure, I think. I'm glad you have lots of photos of Dave and you together. As the days go by, they will bring back the memories and hopefully a little comfort.
Blessings, Star

Life is good! said...

I don't know much in the grief department but i know your days will eventually get brighter. i'm so sorry for your suffering right now. i think you are doing for others by asking for prayers for that little family. God bless you!

Walking on Sunshine... said...

That is a beautiful picture of you and your hubby.

Whimsey Creations said...

What a great picture! Yep, those gut punchers will get ya but you know what? You're stronger than they are - just keep punching back. Big hugs and you're in my prayers.

quinn said...

A lovely photograph, of clearly dear companions.

I hope you will have another nearly normal day - or afternoon, or hour - soon, to help you keep going steadily on through the other times.

Thank you for adding my father to your prayer list. It means so much.

beth said...

my heart hurts for you....xo

~from my front porch in the mountains~ said...

You just do what you need to do for you. That is all. Nothing more. Sometimes, getting up in the morning is an accomplishment.
I love the red scarf idea. I think you should begin wearing one all the time. So when you are out and about and Dave looks down from Heaven, he can spot you in the crowd :) It might be simple, but that is how I deal with things like grief....
love ya, Sandra.
xo, misha

Tabor said...

How kind of you to comment on my blog. I came here as thanks and was a bit overwhelmed to find you trying to find your way these days alone. I am so sorry for your loss...which you are sure to hear and read often. You come across as a strong person and I anticipate days of laughter and sunshine ahead...just get through the holidays. Love the header picture, it just makes me sigh.

Nancy @ A Rural Journal said...

You poor dear! This must be such a difficult time for you. Don't take on too much right now -- at least until after the New Year. I'll have you in my thoughts.

Pom Pom said...

Oh, I am praying that you'll feel rocked in His arms today, dear.

Maa said...

I've been popping by your blog to see how your coping. Firstly thank you for taking the time to comment on my blog. It was lovely to see you. My thoughts are with you at this time. I don't need to give you comforting words as you probably have them ringing in your ears. The only thing that has helped me through loss was the thoughts that I could still love them even though they weren't beside me. Be the person Dave knew.
I hope you have a blessed Christmas.
Hugs Maa

French Basketeer.com said...

Thinking of you and hoping you take joy in each moment you had with Dave; none was wasted; your beautiful dogs; prayers too for the Beckwith Family...

xxoo~ A

KathyB. said...

The picture shows another side of the two of you, your smile and his arm around you, a comfortable love & companionship are what I see. I cannot even imagine what life is like for you now, but I do pray for you. Snuggle those dogs, they must miss Dave too.

My prayers for the family missing their husband / father too.

vicki said...

Dearest Sandra -
The most amazing thing is that you are "keeping on". It does not matter how strong - just that you "ARE". You have mastered the already seemingly impossible feat of going on without your soul mate - you can do this - you already are.

There will come a time when you will be ready to give to others - to volunteer - to want to get out --- but for now - just let things be "all about you"- they haven't been for such a long time.

This is your time to make things count - to make things better for you. You have to heal yourself before you can give to others.

I love you~

Vicki

ps - the photo is amazing and you absolutely must include it in your cards.It is a beautiful testament to your life with Dave.

Kerrie said...

I loved this post, sending love and blessings to you!

Madge @ The View From Right Here said...

Sandra, that is a lovely photo of you and your precious Dave, I love the red scarf idea! I've always likened grief to the action of ripples on a pond when a stone is dropped into it. There are peaks and toughs as the ripples move, they are most intense when the stone is first dropped, then they gradually lessen in frequency and intensity. It does take a lot of energy navigating, trying to find a new balance in one's life riding the peaks and toughs of grief.. I pray you'll not be too hard on yourself nor do something because you think you 'should.' Send you hugs...

goatldi said...

You are so strong. Remember that and when you think you aren't know that God and your friends are holding you in their arms.

I know I haven't been making an appearance as often as I used to but know every day you are in my prayers.

Please add to your prayer list everyone the family of Karen Senn. Karen raised dairy goats since her 4H days. She was very involved in the American Dairy Goat Association and always a helping hand at the ready. Karen enjoyed her first grand child born this Fall. Karen passed too soon this past Saturday in her sleep. Leaving her two daughters Krista and Erica, Payton Krista's daughter and other family members.

We are learning from those we love leaving. Life is short on this earth and we never know as Sherry says when. Today is but by the Grace of God.

Anonymous said...

Sandra,
I only found your blog today. I love your photo. You both look very happy . Hang on to that feeling .
When my sister ( and best friend)passed away at 49 ,my world as I knew it, was shattered. A sister relationship isn't even on the same playing field as a beloved spouse, so I can only imagine how great is your grief.
I often wondered why God let it hurt so much , but then I realized, it was because there was so much love and joy attached to my sister, how silly to think it wouldn't feel like that.
Six years have gone by and there isn't a day that I don't think of her. Luckily, with God's help, I am now able to focus on the joy and to celebrate her time on Earth verses dwelling on the loss. I know that He will help you too. I have my "bad" days like everyone . But I am able to smile when I think of her and all the good/silly times .
One thing I have learned, is everyone grieves and heals at their own rate. There is no "normal" time frame when it comes to this.... only what is truely need for your soul to heal. Don't let others rush you , take the time you need. Know that you are not alone and that I will be praying for you.

Kindest regards,
TinaH

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