Struggles and Trust

~ who loves ya, baby? ~

Jen, over at Finding Heaven is talking about choices, hope and despair; about measuring herself against her stats, about forgetting we're not on our own. Her T.R.U.S.T. question is: What are the traps that lure you away from believing God's Truth about you? Here's my response...

The days I'm too "busy" to start with God, His Word, His preachers on XM and my devotions is the day that falls apart for me. Maybe it's an age thing or a season thing but I'm not struggling with traps so much as I'm struggling to do the work He's set before me. Struggling to make good...no, excellent...use of my time, to make it count for eternity. Time is the beginning of eternity and it is NOW. The time I spend wasting here, now, is time I can never re-capture for Him. Since Dave died, my biggest fear is...fear. Am I being a good steward, am I giving enough, am I doing His will. Suppose I screw up and lose it all. 

Daily, God reveals, a little more and a little more, who I am as His child. ouch. Daily, I pray anew to do His will and not my own. It's a daily battle; not a tomorrow battle or a yesterday battle. All I have to tend to is today; yesterday is gone and tomorrow never arrives.

I don't mean to sound like practicing a Christian life is not difficult. It is extremely difficult., at least, it's difficult for me. I struggle with less of me and more of Him. I struggle with my big mouth. I struggle with being impatient, with trying to "help" God. I struggle with my big mouth. oops, said that one didn't I? There's some t.v. show called 'fear factor'; at least, there was at one time. I've never see the show but want to tell them, if you want to see fear, be here at 3 a.m. when I can't sleep and worry has replaced sanity and prayer. I struggle with forgiving those people who have so cruelly wronged me. Instead of forgiving them, I remember what they did, over and over and over...and then I waste more time on playing the revenge game. Sheesh! What a complete and total waste and it only serves to upset me more; it keeps the hurt alive and robs me of happiness and the here and now. 

"So Sandra," says Abba, "how's that working out for you?"

One of the other bloggers visiting Jen has written a post about Jack Nicholson and, in one of his movies he says, "Is this as good as it gets?" Well, yeah, it is if you're not a Christian. If you're not a Christian, this is the only Heaven you'll ever know. By the way, how's that working for you, this heaven? On the other hand, if you're a saved by His grace Christian, not simply a person who attends a Christian based church, this is the only Hell you'll ever know. How's that working out for you? 'Cause I'm liking it, I'm liking it a lot!

I live a quiet life and stay, for the vast majority of time, here on the farm. I have to; it's where the work is and any time I spend away, is time I spend not working. Even so, when I leave the farm, I see so much hurt, bitterness, anger, distrust...and that's generally in church on Sunday morning! I think going to an office everyday would simply overwhelm me and bring me to an early end. So, I focus on what's important and that is...

Abba loves me with an everlasting love. 

And that's quite enough.

Blessings ~ Finding Heaven Today ~ participating bloggers ~ Jen ~ God and His Amazing LOVE ~

Time, the Gift of Eternity

~ photographer unknown to me ~

NEW NOTE: Are you familiar with the e-zine, Living Better at 50? If you're a mature woman, it's a fine read and for those "less mature", it's still a fine read. Carol D., Editor, very kindly accepted an article from me entitled Boundaries, Fences and Margins. Let me know what you think, leave a comment on the article, please and thanks.

The 1Wife to Widow blog has been updated with good information on how to prepare yourself, financially, in the event of a spouse's death.

Lately, I've had the opportunity to re-examine my attitude and then change my attitude. Oh yeah, it was a hard won fight and, while I'm sure to lose a battle here and there, the war has been won; now it's only details. Most days I spend anywhere from eight to fourteen hours working on Dave's estate, going through paperwork, finding out about Virginia's "lost property", sending thank you notes to folks who have been kind and then there's the house work, farm work, tending to the animals, studio work, the selling of fleeces and finished goods, this blog, the Wife to Widow blog, my other blogs...the list, seemingly, never ends and I'm always extremely behind. You know the old saying, I'm so far behind, I think I'm in first place! Well, I'm so far behind I keep getting sunrise confused with sunset and there's no end in sight. 

The way I've changed my attitude is to change the way I look what I'm doing. All of this is my job; it's how I'm earning my living, making my life, paying my bills, keeping the farm and, mostly, my sanity. I'm trying to stay focused on what I need to do to do the above; doing this is keeping me from putting in job applications at big box stores and Bless God and Dave for that gift!

 ~ a long and winding road ~

Miz Bernice, now in her 70's, recently told me, "I lost my husband when I was 47 and I learned in order to get through it, I had to keep busy. So, you must keep busy too." And, that's what the women in my family have always done...keep busy. Most of them kept early mornings and late nights and lived their pain through their work. A lot of people in our family now have quilts to show for those days and nights of tears, when sleep was the enemy; now, I now find myself, when time allows, keeping my hands busy so my brain has a place to focus and my heart to rest.

Anyway, I was having yet another -wry grin- pity party...oops, sorry but I forgot to send out invitations so that's why you didn't know -grin-...and feeling totally overwhelmed, lonely, alone, unloved and usually hungry because I'm the special kind of stupid that, sometimes, a lot of times, forgets to eat. Then I started pondering on the problem, which, as you're now knowingly muttering, the problem was moi. Oh yeah, there's a lot to do and my to-do list grows at an alarming rate but my attitude was slowing me down.  I would find myself wandering around, listlessly, unfocused on the particulars, unable to see the big picture and panicked because of all the details, details, details. Knowing I need to contact this one or that one, explain why I've not been in touch, haven't done what I said I'd do, apologize, etc.

You see, that's the strange thing about grief. I tell someone I'll do thus and so and my intentions are so good but the grief is, too often, more real than my life and my intentions, and I find myself swimming in deep waters. Too often, I'm unable to keep up and let life slip around me, phone unplugged, gates locked and in the center, me, struggling with the memories, the loss, the loneliness until the body and mind are spent with emotions and I start all over again. As Heraclitus once said, "It is what it is." The older I get, the more path I trod on this grief journey, the more I understand: It is what it is. 

If you're not familiar with Heraclitus and, if you're interested in philosophy, visit a while with Heraclitus. He talked about change being the only constant with the example being, one cannot step into the same river twice. The river is always flowing thus always changing and so it is with life. No way do I understand everything he said but, that's okay, I'm in good company. "They say that Euripides gave Socrates a copy of Heraclitus' book and asked him what he thought of it. He replied: "What I understand is splendid; and I think what I don't understand is so too - but it would take a Delian diver to get to the bottom of it." (Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Philosophers, II 22).

Stephanie, my Beloved Sistah, sent me the following:

"To realize
The value of a sister/brother

...and I add spouse, parent, friend, etc. ...
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.

The origin of this letter is unknown,

Remember....

Hold on tight to the ones you love!

Do not keep this letter, rather, 

send it to friends & family...ASAP."

Yes, I know this is but one day in this grief journey but it's a day of Grace and Mercy, a gift from God and, just for today, I will cherish this gift, this today and be thankful. In time, there will be more such days but today, I'm choosing to live deliberately and just for today, be thankful to God for His love gifts to me.

To each of us, God gives the same amount of time and each of us spend it wisely, foolishly, unthinking, with focus and intent on things that matter and things that have no value whatsoever. Some of us realize, and some of us have realization forced upon us, that time is the gift of eternity.

Read that again...time is the gift of eternity. How are you spending your second most precious gift?

Blessings ~ Stephanie, Beloved Sistah ~ time ~ eternity ~ work ~  Heraclitus ~ Miz Bernice ~ mercy ~ love ~ grace ~