My Profile

I am Sandra - faithful steward. listener. shepherd. dream believer. hard worker. collects brass bells, boots. Jesus follower. contented. star gazer. homemaker. farmer. prayer warrior. country woman. reader. traveler. writer. homebody. living life large.

Saturday, May 07, 2016

"The wound is the place where the light enters you." -Rumi-

Dear Dave,

God restored the years the locust had eaten when He gave you to me as a friend, then husband. He and you gave me the best one-third of my life on this piece of heaven on earth, this Sanctuary we named Thistle Cove Farm. When I tell people how we met, then courted six years before finding our sanctuary here, the place of our heart, they gape. Really, there's no other way to describe the look on their faces: they gape at me. Apparently, in this day and age, six months is a long time and six years unheard of.


Your life had symmetry. You had twenty-two years then you and Cathy, the love of your youth, had twenty-two years, then you and I had another twenty-two years. Yes, it's true those first years were rocky, for both of us, as we made our way forward and, truth be told, we had our share of arguments but even they were overshadowed by the good great times.


I was used to seeing women grieve; indeed, aunts and grandmothers taught me, by example, how to grieve, but your grief staggered me in its enormity. It was bone crushing, soul baring and as relentless as an incoming tide. Yes, females taught me how they grieved and to help you I did what I did for them...I listened. I listened mostly without comments, without judgement, without condemnation and for as long as you wanted to talk. Day after day, night after night I listened as you worked your way through the darkness but, I have to admit, I'm so glad I never met Cathy because I'm afraid I would have compared myself to her. You never negatively compared the two of us, at least if you did, you never told me and I'm grateful for that gift.


Once, someone asked what did I see in you and I thought, "If you have to ask, I'll never be able to explain." I watched and waited as you made your way through the darkness, the alcohol and nicotine and thought, "Whatever you have left when you come through this is worth waiting for. I will wait." You loved Cathy with everything you had and, in time, loved me as well and, yes, it was worth the wait.

The three of us, God, you and I, built something wonderful, strong and glorious on this farm. We're leaving it far, far better than we found it; it's a testimony to love, hard work and God's grace and mercy. We've shared meals, gardens, festivals, animals, sheep shearing, the house and the land with family and friends as well as people we met the day they showed up at the door or camped in the meadow. All these years I've lived a life full of grace, filled with happiness and, perhaps more importantly, contentment. Within my heart and soul these old Appalachian Mountains hold a racial memory of kith and ken gone before both here and in those craigs and vales of Scotland, Ireland and Wales. You felt the same way once you acclimated to living daily life at a calming, peaceful, slow, love-growing pace.


The first time I saw this valley I knew I was home and, no matter what happened or didn't happen, I knew we could make a life here. We made a life the likes of which neither of us even dared to dream and as grand as it's been and as hard as we worked, God made it all come alive. He has lived here, with us, as surely as the wind rattles the trees, and has seen every sunrise, watched every sunset, heard every cry, wiped every tear, wept with every sorrow, rejoiced in all our happiness. All the while, He encouraged our dreams and gave us strength for both the journey and the work.

We've lived deeply! Our lives have been rich lives that are evidenced in every nook and cranny. Every stick of furniture, every animal, almost every blade of grass has a story, a history both before and since; to de-clutter is an act of treason, of tossing old friends to the curb, of saying, "You no longer matter." It all matters because being rescued, rescuing and the stories make up our lives. We rescued each other, then other people and, along the way, countless animals. I can walk to each unmarked space and remember who, lovingly, was laid to rest. Thistle Cove Farm became Sanctuary for all, beginning with you and I, who needed the succor of God's grace, mercy, love and kindness. It's been the same grace, mercy, love and kindness of God that's kept me safe since your Home going. The bitter agony of losing you is still a punch to my gut. It still catches me by surprise, causes tears to gush, brings me to my knees but I was right...had it not been for the animals, I would not have made it when you died. I would have given up and missed all the blessings God has for me but God has kept me safe. He's given me His strength, His hope and finally His peace. Yes, God has kept me but I'm still waiting for the light to enter the place my heart used to be.



Dave, we lived life on this farm and we lived it well and true! You grew me into the wife you wanted and I, willingly, became that woman. Yes, I trusted you...I do trust you...that much and you've never let me down. You were the husband women dream of...the words 'provider and protector' show your image in the dictionary. As importantly, you saved me from myself just as I saved you from the darkness and, in those final days, God saved you as you made your peace with Him. Ours is story after story after story of saving; it's what we did best.


You were as surprised to find love again as I was to find it the first time. I was content with friendship but love was the gift when unwrapped and now it seems the wound in the space that was you is so broken and raw, is healing even possible? I don't know. I am simply lost without you. I want to move forward, but I know I cannot unless God leads my way.


The Good Book says to everything there is a season and, maybe, this is the season of saying good-by to this particular Sanctuary, this beautiful valley, our peaceful farm. Dave, don't worry; even though I am no longer sure of anything else I know God loves me and is preparing me. For what, I don't know but I know He has a good plan for my life and I still choose to trust Him. He holds me in His right hand of mercy and will never fail me.
Dave, is tu gaol mo chridhe


Good-bye, Beloved.

Ponder this ~ "And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with love like that. It lights up the sky." ~ Hafez ~

28 comments:

  1. You write so beautifully and lovingly. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear, dear Sandra ~ This was absolutely beautiful, touching my heart and soul.

    May you continually feel God's tender loving presence surround you.

    Love, hugs & prayers ~ FlowerLady

    P.S. Loved the pics of Dave and the two of you together.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So deep and true. God be with you, Sandra.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sacred Profound Goodbye
    Your words so beautifully said . . .

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sandra, thank you. We seem to be on a journey here too. This brought me clarity, peace, and a continued reliance on our God. Continued prayers, may God continue to shine through us. XO

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am so deeply moved by this exquisite piece of writing and I feel privileged to have read this letter to your Dave, Sandra. I don't think that any of the movies I've seen about great loves have gripped my heart as much as this story of you and your dear man. Liz and Richard? Bah! They pale in comparison.

    Lots to think about here. I'll carry your story in my heart as I go about my day.

    Dewena

    ReplyDelete
  7. "You are the love of my heart." Sandra, I read this with tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart. I read your blog occasionally, have only commented once or twice, but God knew I NEEDED to see this today. I've been blessed with a kind, decent, Christian husband for nearly 50 years, but I know that sometimes I take that relationship for granted, get caught up in petty concerns that don't amount to a hill of beans, and generally contribute to strife and discontent that there is absolutely no need for.

    I will remember this letter for a long, long time. Thank you for sharing it with others. God certainly does have wonderful plans for you in the fullness of his time.

    Blessings
    Shannon

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wonderful, heartfelt post. Am sending you am image via email.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This is a beautiful post. Raw. Vulnerable. Truthful. God's best gifts to us so often seem to come wrapped in rags, but I suppose that makes them shine the brighter and, after all, His greatest gift came wrapped in swaddling cloths and laid in a feeding trough.

    The ache of your losing and leaving affects us all, as does your steadfast faith and faithfulness.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Just beautiful Sandra. A true love story. Blessings to you, Deborah

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sandra, my heart is there with you. With the two year anniversary of my beloved husband approaching, I can honestly say, "I understand". He was my life and I am still finding it hard to find myself. Without him I don't know who I am. The only boy I ever dated and married 46 years is the only life I remember and now it is gone. Like you, I depend on God every day to get me thru that day and help me face another and He is faithful. But I have come to understand one thing more than any other thru this ordeal and that is, there are so many things worse than death. Being the one that is left here to somehow carry on without half of your heart is a fate I wouldn't with on my worst enemy and yet that is all we can do. Carry on. Alone. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and I ask the same favor of you. Peace my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yes, I understand that empty place in the heart as well. I too CHOOSE to trust in God. I choose to believe there is a greater joy ahead to be anticipated, and to believe that all who believe in Him will finally be gathered together in the place He's prepared for us. What love will fill that place! But life here can take some trudging through, in the meantime. Covering our families in prayer and having intimate conversations with the Lord are wonderful ways to spend our hours. I want to become more faithful in that rather than trying to fill up that empty space with "entertainment" that doesn't satisfy the spirit. Balance! Thanks for sharing your poignant journey, sister.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dearest Sandra, Such a moving and beautiful love story. Thank you for sharing this. Blessings to you always my friend.
    Hugs, xo

    ReplyDelete
  14. A wonderful tribute and Hope. Thank you, Sandra, for a thoughtful and encouraging meditation.

    ReplyDelete
  15. No words, Sandra. God bless you and keep you in the palm of his hand.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sandra,So he's Irish. He had a great face and you both look so good
    in the photo. Thinking of you today. yvonne Happy Mothers Day

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hollywood tries so hard to portray what you've written.

    You make those visual stories, now, small.

    The best things have no words. You've conjured those best things. Far beyond your words.

    XOT

    ReplyDelete
  18. The others have said it all so much better than I could. Simply sending a prayer and virtual hug.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Sandra, your writing about your life and love is becoming even more eloquent; I hope time is smoothing some of the sharpest edges of your grief.
    Thinking of you often.

    ReplyDelete
  20. This is touching and beautiful, Sandra...love to you...xo

    ReplyDelete
  21. Your words are beautiful, your love for each other was amazing. Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I know how much you miss him.
    ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  22. Such a beautiful tribute to a wonderful man. You were blessed to have him and he you.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi there! I'm at work surfing around your blog from my new apple iphone! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Keep up the excellent work!

    ReplyDelete
  24. So moving , especially because I know it's a true love story.

    ReplyDelete
  25. What a beautiful tribute Sandra. You surely have a way with words. Hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for visiting Thistle Cove Farm; may God bless you, yours and the work of your hands and heart. My goal is to respond, here, to your comments although it may take a while.