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I am Sandra - faithful steward. listener. shepherd. dream believer. hard worker. collects brass bells, boots. Jesus follower. contented. star gazer. homemaker. farmer. prayer warrior. country woman. reader. traveler. writer. homebody. living life large.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Life Like Water, Stepping on Shadows

Once the wintery mix stopped, it began raining and it's rained and rained and rained and...it's still raining. We've had a few hours of sunshine in the last couple of weeks but, at the moment, can't really remember when. Perhaps last week...? A lot of rain isn't conducive to a positive mental attitude; at least, it's not for me. I'm trying to deal with it but as Dave would say, "yes, you're certainly trying." -smile- His sense of humor is sorely missed.
~ pond where there should be none ~
What with my birthday last month, this month the sixth month anniversary of his death followed by his birthday two days later, life has been, as you may well imagine, full of shadows. Daily it seems, I'm stepping on shadows and memories of days gone by, trips taken, words spoken, dreams past, present but not future. At least, not with Dave. The danger is in falling into and staying in the rut of memory; it's so much easier than dealing with daily life.
~ a drowned garden ~
Yet, daily life is what pulls me through the day, towards the night, bed, sleep, wakefulness and dreams to get up and do it all over again daily. Life like water, being poured out toward eternity trying to make intelligent decisions, wise choices and not coming across like a lunatical moron. Some days it's easier, more difficult, than others. Some days I'm believable, other days...not so much.

Recently Ann Kroeker wrote that a Pastor Kirk preached on Four Decisions That Will Change Your Life.  His life changing decisions were work out/exercise daily, journal daily, memorize Scripture daily and give the Lord the first hour of every day.

Kroeker quotes A. W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God, "The idea of cultivation and exercise, so dear to the saints of old, has now no place in our total religious picture. It is too slow, too common. We now demand glamour and fast flowing dramatic action. A generation of Christians reared among push buttons and automatic machines is impatient of slower and less direct  methods of reaching their goals. We have been trying to apply machine-age methods to our relations with God."
~ drops, gradually filling even a large container ~
In that slowness, that common pace, I am, at least, on target. I could no more rush or speed ahead right now than I could fly without wings. There are those who tell me I need to do this or that or the other; I listen, sometimes I even think politely, and then do exactly what I need to do right now. Take care of me, the animals, the farm, me. In the meantime, I work on my four decisions, some I've been doing for decades, others I do sporadically and rue my lack of discipline.

Joyce Meyer once said she spends the first few hours each morning with the Lord because "it takes me a long time to get nice in the morning". That amused me because it also takes me a while to get nice in the morning. Unlike you, I'm not a naturally nice person; spending the first couple of hours with God means I have a better chance at making it through the rest of the day without doing harm to others or myself. And, yes, sometimes I am even successful.
~ life like water ~ 
Decades gone by, people would take a year to grieve and mourn the loss of a spouse. Now, if you're not back at work the Monday after the Saturday funeral, people wonder what's the problem. The problem is emotions are messy and most want to rush by them without letting them have an impact. Call me crazy but I'm trying to deal with the grief now so it doesn't pop up later. Is that possible, do you think?

Life has taken a turn and I'm trying to adjust, watching my life pour like water, feet attempting to dodge stepping on shadows. And, no, I'm not always successful.

Blessings ~ rain ~ sunny days ~ decisions ~ Kirk ~ Tozer ~ Meyer ~ Kroeker ~

20 comments:

  1. there is great wisdom in just taking the
    next step and keeping a routine until
    you begin to feel better. you will.
    some day.

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  2. Hello Sandra:
    We rather subscribe to the belief that grief is, rather as the rain you are experiencing, something which at times comes in torrents, sometimes in quickly passing showers, and occasionally not at all, but is always there in the clouds ready to open up and fall at any time. We doubt that it will ever go away entirely and that is, to some degree, a good thing. All that can be hoped for is that, in time, you may be more easily able to shrug off the drops.

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  3. Ha-ha, I think Joyce and you and I have something in common. I am not a morning person. Sometimes I just have to ask the Lord, "ok, what's up with me this morning? Why am I so grumpy? I don't want to be this way." sigh

    You have had some rain! I talked this afternoon with my Roanokers who were commenting on the steady heavy rain today and other days. Your poor garden patch looks a bit soupy.

    I wish I could share a bit of my sunshine with you. Perhaps your clouds will thin out a bit soon. My defense on a cloudy day is Phil 4:8. You know the one... "...whatever is lovely...think on these things." Seems like I am continually re-directing my thoughts. If I don't, they slip into the wrong ways of thinking. sigh

    I'm rambling now. Hope you are having a good sleep and awaken refreshed in the morning.

    BLessings!

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  4. Sandra, I think you're doing the one thing that will help you heal the most... living it, letting it fill you up- the grief - and pour out. The ones who don't let it in, deal with it... sit with it for a while..are the ones who suffer most.

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  5. You are can write girl and speak the truth. I love to read you at the same time I am aching for you. You bring it all back for me and help me keep perspective. And that for me is how I perceive God .. . through you. You are good . . . and beautifully gifted.

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  6. He is near to the brokenhearted. I can tell He is very near you. Working out very day is a tall order but a good one. Of course a system to memorize the golden Word sounds like good truth, too. I'm hoping that I have more verve for my journal writing this summer. It seems slow right now. I am holding you in my prayers, Sandra. Thank you for your sharing heart.

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  7. You do have a whole lot of rain! So is it just you running the whole farm? You must get plenty of exercise just doing that! Mourning is so different for each period, you cannot put a time limit on love or grief.

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  8. Such a great post! So true about what some expect from one these days...Where has the compassion gone?
    Gentle Hugs My friend!

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  9. We are all individuals. We marry another individual, and with our partner, lead a life together as only two individuals joined as one in marriage can. Our life experiences are unique too, so although there are so many similarities we share with others, our life is unique and so is our grief. Many similarities to share with others, but our grief is ours alone no matter how many well- intentioned and well-meaning would gladly help you bear the burden, only God can truly comfort you.I might have a vague understanding of your grief, but dare not think I can counsel you in this time except to say your grief is YOUR grief.

    You are blessed with so many who pray for you and want you to know they (we) are here for you Sandra.

    The rain will cease in God's time, your grief will lessen , but not go away completely until you are joined with Dave and with Him in Heaven, where there will be no more tears.

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  10. I think you need to take however long feels right to you to grieve. It's not exactly something anyone else can dictate - you set your guidelines. I hope more sunshine comes your way.

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  11. Thinking of you ... let me know if / when? toward Central Virginia - would enjoy seeing you, Cathy

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  12. Such a long time full of rain after wintertime is hard to bear. Please, my Lord, send some glimpses of sunlight to the morning-breakfast-table of brave Thistle and also to her animals. Dave, make a good word for Sandra in heaven for some sunny days.Thank you...

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  13. I love this post, Sandra.

    Perhaps the rain is an outward picture of your sadness right now. I am praying for many sun breaks.

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  14. I suppose that as we read each other's Blogs, we all have our private thoughts. I'm going to be a little brutal today. As I read your Blog, I wondered why you felt the need to put down these verses from scripture and again, why so many? Can you explain why you do that every week please?
    The other thing I thought, and please don't take this the wrong way and get offended, was I know how much your're hurting and I feel for you in your distress as you come to terms with your new life, but at least you have a wonderful place to live with beautiful scenery and lots of animals around you. That must be a comfort to you during these difficult times?
    Take care and have a blessed Sunday.

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  15. Hopefully, Lea, soon -smile-.

    Hello Jane and Lance - we're in agreement; it takes as long as it takes. Thank you for understanding.

    Oh no Linda - I am a morning person; Dave wasn't, he was a night owl but we met in the middle.

    Karen, bless you for understanding; some don't.

    Lynne, bless you; you know, firsthand, what this is like.

    Pom - you are so right; He is near. Thank you for reminding me.

    Ginny, yes, right now, just me. I long for help but it's slow in coming.

    Loretta, people want compassion but they don't want to take the time and effort to give compassion.

    Kathy, grief is such an individual affair and some don't have the compassion or tolerance to understand. I feel for them, when it's their turn, how will they stand the pain.

    Lisa, it was a sunny day today, a perfect gift.

    Cat, it might be a while but appreciate the invitation. Come this way and let me know.

    Dori, you're an angel!

    Glenda, it comes and goes...mainly comes so I spend a lot of time praying for it to go -smile-.

    Madge, hard won words -smile-.

    Hi Star, There aren't any Bible verses in today's post but, on Sunday's, there are, usually, only 2 verses from the Bible, or Scripture as you put it, and those at the beginning and end...bookends as it were.

    Only 2 and those are different each week because each week it's a different theme. This week it's peace, last week it was keeping the Sabbath and so forth. Hopefully, that answers your question because if it doesn't, you'll need to couch the question differently as that means your question isn't clear.

    Sabbath Keeping is my way of honoring the Sabbath which comes weekly, thus, the weekly Sabbath Keeping. Some people choose to write about their spouses, children/grandchildren or their job or their yards or their animals. Each Sunday, I choose to write Sabbath Keeping. No one, until now, has ever complained and a lot of private e-mails and public comments tell me people derive great comfort, joy and, sometimes, laughter from Sabbath Keeping.

    As to how I'm doing...Star, you have NO idea how much I'm hurting nor how difficult are my days and my life. You have NO idea what it takes for me to keep this farm going...the physical effort, the finances, the dedication, the prayer, the time. You have NO idea and for you to say you know how much I'm hurting is an insult. You haven't a clue and I hope and pray God, in His infinite mercy and grace, doesn't allow you to have an inkling for many years to come.

    Yes, I do live in a beautiful place; yes, I do have animals that need to be vetted, de-wormed, fed, watered, tended to on a daily basis. Pastures need to be dragged, hay fields need to be mowed, grass needs to be cut, weeds need to be chopped, garden needs plowing, planting, harvesting...Yes, I am the only person responsible and, a huge part of the time, the only person doing the work. Yes, I love living on this farm and I find comfort in a variety of areas. My relationship with God, Christ and the Holy Spirit is who I am and because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross I am assured that believing in Him means I spend eternity in heaven.

    It sounds as if you've found offense with me and my blog; that's so sad and it's confusing to me you feel the need to find such offense. I've been honoring the Sabbath and writing a weekly Sabbath Keeping on my blog for a long time and will continue to do so both for the pleasure it brings me and the pleasure it brings others. Like I said, no one has ever complained until now.

    It saddens me you seem to want/expect tolerance from me but you, apparently are so unwilling to give it in return.

    God bless you, Star

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  16. It is hard for me to believe that you aren't a sweet person any time of the day.

    I cannot imagine losing a spouse. My precious daddy just died on his 90th birthday, May 8th. He was buried a week ago Saturday. My Mom has been all brave around me, but she told my friend that her heart was broken. They were married 57 years.

    Only through Christ can a person survive such a severing and make it when joy still remaining in life. I know He is guiding you through this season. I do pray the sun comes out to help lighten your heart (though I know the Son has you).

    Bless you!
    Beth

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  17. Time will heal -- take as much as you need.

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  18. Sandra, incredible... I can't even imagine what you are going through this year with seasons that go on and work that must be done regardless of our hearts' conditions... I have so much respect for you. What's so beautiful to me this morning as I just tripped upon your blog, is your resilient grip on Jesus through hardship. Your wisdom shows that He is the only way THROUGH the valley of the shadow. Otherwise we would wander there forever. I pray such wisdom for you as you navigate these new waters, and comfort renewed daily for your spirit. I have no idea what it must feel like, but I still grieve with you. Dave must have been a wonderful man... Bless you, sister.
    elizabeth
    www.elizabethselena.wordpress.com

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  19. Staying present to your grief is the hardest work you will ever do. May God bless you.

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Thank you for visiting Thistle Cove Farm; may God bless you, yours and the work of your hands and heart. My goal is to respond, here, to your comments although it may take a while.